All Good Things

Dear Tiny,

I did not expect that we would say good-bye so soon. However, the Doctor tells us that it's just not possible at this point that you could still be fighting in there. I am so sorry that we have to learn this very important life lesson together: not everything goes as planned. Some disappointments are permanent. Not all hope results in a happy ending.

They say that all chemical miscarriages are a result of genetic or malformation factors. They reiterate that it is not the fault of the host. I can see why they do this. My mind runs through a million scenarios where I could have done something differently to preserve your environment. Thoughts about 'what if' and possibilities about timing. And worries that an errant thought of mine may have caused this demise.

But I must not let those thoughts overtake the messages of hope and hopefulness and possibilities. All these things swirl in my head and heart - and what it all comes down to is this: we have to wait.

We have to wait to try again.
We have to wait to help you grow.
We have to wait to meet you.

So, instead of good-bye, I'm going to just say that we're not giving up - even if it means waiting. Luckily, your Mommy has a lot of practice with waiting. And your Daddy is the King of never-say-die. So, we will put those skills into practice just for you.

You are precious to us, dear one. And we won't stop hoping until you are in our arms.
We love you.
Your,

Mommy and Daddy

Hope

Dear Tiny,

Your father and I were quite sleep deprived yesterday. 2am on Friday morning, I was wrapping up loose pricing ends and trying to organize what I hoped would be a very successful yard sale. Your Daddy came home from moving a bunch of stuff and we quite literally fell into bed, knowing that 7am was too early, but that it was a must.

On Saturday, I really did try to take it easy. I didn’t lift things and I stopped to eat breakfast and I sat for a good part of the day. Daddy had rehearsal and was away a lot of the day. When we took the sale down, I held your cousin, Mercedes a lot and just tried to be helpful in the small ways my exhausted body could handle.

I started bleeding a bit on Friday. That continued some on Saturday. I had super heavy cramping, but it didn’t seem serious. DId you know that our Anniversary was yesterday? Yes! Four years married and super excited about adding you as part of our family. We went to dinner and then stopped at Target for ice cream and came home to watch a movie. 

Around 11, we started to get ready for bed. That’s when I noticed things had gotten a bit worse. I called my Doctor and got the on-call Doc who reviewed everything and recommended the emergency room. We were both so exhausted that I almost cried through that long drive over to St Marks. 

When I told them my symptoms, they put me in a wheelchair and moved me into a room right away. That was worrisome. Then, they began the tests - a nice nurse named John and a very efficient Dr Stiles came in and out to check on us. First, I was wheeled to the ultrasound and your Daddy stayed behind in our little room. The ultrasound tech was friendly, but didn’t seem very happy while taking your first photos. I think you’re a little shy, dear one, because the pictures had a hard time capturing you. This test made me cramp more, sadly, and I was pretty miserable when the tech wheeled me back to the room.

They did a blood test next. John was exceedingly good at getting my blood (which is awesome, considering that rarely goes well for me!) And then they took the blood to be tested. After some time, Dr Stiles returned to let us know that the ultrasound revealed some fluid collection and my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) level was very low. He said that perhaps I was not as far along as they thought, but more likely, that the pregnancy was not going to stick around. He said he wasn’t hopeful, but ‘miracles happen all the time.’

At 2:00 am, after a previous night of only 5 hours sleep, this was not the news I needed to hear. However, after the sadness we experienced last night (and a RhoGam shot, which isn’t really a hopeful act on the part of the Doctors), I awoke this morning with a feeling that it would all be ok.

There are quite a few stories of women with low HCG levels who delivered healthy babies. And some study of subchorionic hematomas makes me feel a little better as that’s what your pictures looked like last night. Plus, there’s this: sometimes, ovulation is later in the cycle. This would mean that it is very possible that the ‘how far along’ number is wrong for us, and they’re looking for signs that aren’t going to be there.

Our hope is that I will go in to see the OB on Thursday and my HCG levels will have risen. That’s 72 hours, and HCG levels are supposed to double within that time period.

The one thing I can bank on, though, is this: you, my dear Tiny, are a fighter. You were conceived because two people adore each other so much, they couldn’t help but want to share that love. And you are related to the most stubborn people I know - your Nana can work a 16 hour day tiling a floor on an injured hip with a burned hand. And your Mommy can do two shows while working full time and earning a 3.6 GPA. And your Daddy can work two jobs, make his wife the happiest there is, and still manage to be in the top 15% of his law school class. Your Aunties and Uncles are all hard workers who remain chipper no matter the loss and face hardship head on. Your genetic line is hardy, and has survived the very worst. 

And my dearest little Tiny, we are not going to give up on you. We believe in you and we believe in your ability to make it through Mommy’s tricky little womb. We are eager to meet you, but more eager to keep you safe and sound and give you every possible chance to live up to the hardy genetics you’ve been given. 

While we believe in listening to experts and getting sound opinions from them - we also believe in listening to our gut. And right now, Mommy’s gut tells her that you’re going to be ok. That this is a bump - before the bump, as it were.

You may be Tiny, but our love for you is bigger than anything.

Good luck, dearest. We’ll see you soon.

Your,

Mommy and Daddy

#thebumpbeforethebump

Swing? Haha, try tectonic shift!

OK.

Didn’t see that one coming at. all. Wow am I super emotional! Like just cried a whole lot (for 20 full minutes) over the fact that I could not find my pen. 

Which was on my desk. 

Right where I left it.

Baby, you and me, kid. We’re gonna push right through this and I think I’m just gonna remember that right now, I need these hormones to build you in just the right way. And it might be completely normal to lose it once in awhile and cry over a perfectly locatable pen.

Please tell me this is normal.

Meanwhile, whoever suggested I should watch the first episode of “Call the Midwife” while in this condition was seriously deranged.

It’s a good show, though. 5 stars and all that. Just not when one can’t stop crying.

Over a pen.

#moodswingsareprettycommoninthefirsttrimester

#penworthcryingoverhappenstobemyfavorite

#iwillteachyouaboutofficesupplieswhenyoureolder

Vivs

Your Dad told me last night that if you are a girl, he refuses to call you ‘Vivi’ for short. He wants to calls you Vivs. Like a 1920’s newspaper reporter (which for him, comes out sounding a bit like Jimmy Stewart with a heavy ‘sh’ lisp on any ‘s’ sound.) 

I imagined a short conversation between the two of you:

Daddy: (in his best 1920’s voice) What’s the scoop, Vivs?

Vivienne: Dad, I told you to call me Vivienne. It’s very grown up.

Daddy: (continuing the voice) Now, now, calm down, there, Vivs. See?

Vivienne: Aw, Dad!

Mommy: *collapsing into fits of giggles*

#imsorryaboutyourfather #senseofhumorrequiredtobehisdaughter

Happy 5 Weeks!

Congratulations on making it to 5 weeks, here is a photo of you today. OK, it’s not a photo of you specifically, but what you would look like all magnified and stuff. Right now, you’re only as big as a pea. And your teeny, teeny heart will start beating any moment. Isn’t that marvelous? 

(BTW, I labelled you Vivienne for the moment. I’ll change it to Theodore this weekend. And then Shaniqua. But only because your lawyer Daddy demands equal time for the names he loves. Haha.)

#thephotoimightusetoembarassyouinhighschool #reallyinterestingseahorsewevegotthere

#dontworryiwontletdaddynameyoushaniqua

Congratulations

OK, baby. Your Dad and I are now pretty well over the shock of your arrival. It’s not that we don’t want you - oh, child, we do. We’ve wanted you for awhile now. It’s just that we weren’t expecting you so soon after we made that ever-too-hopeful wish under the bridge in Paris.

If you’re a girl, we plan to name you Vivienne. And if you’re a boy, we plan for Theodore. You know how your Mommy is, though. Those names may change about a hundred times between now and January, when we expect to meet you in person.

We feel overwhelmingly grateful for your presence in our lives. Is it possible to love a Zygote? (wait, are you still a zygote? maybe you’re a blastocyst now…) Perhaps not. Perhaps it’s only possible to love the hopeful, exciting future your arrival promises. Or perhaps we love the soul you’re working on connecting to that little body inside.

Either way, dear little baby, we are eager. And it’s time to get started. We have so much to do and as a result, so many things to tell you. 

And don’t worry, I’ll make your Daddy sing to you every night.

As soon as you have ears.

#wesureloveyou #firstdayweknewforsureyouwereonyourway

4.5 Weeks

Date: May 21, 2013

Due: January 22, 2014