Hope

Dear Tiny,

Your father and I were quite sleep deprived yesterday. 2am on Friday morning, I was wrapping up loose pricing ends and trying to organize what I hoped would be a very successful yard sale. Your Daddy came home from moving a bunch of stuff and we quite literally fell into bed, knowing that 7am was too early, but that it was a must.

On Saturday, I really did try to take it easy. I didn’t lift things and I stopped to eat breakfast and I sat for a good part of the day. Daddy had rehearsal and was away a lot of the day. When we took the sale down, I held your cousin, Mercedes a lot and just tried to be helpful in the small ways my exhausted body could handle.

I started bleeding a bit on Friday. That continued some on Saturday. I had super heavy cramping, but it didn’t seem serious. DId you know that our Anniversary was yesterday? Yes! Four years married and super excited about adding you as part of our family. We went to dinner and then stopped at Target for ice cream and came home to watch a movie. 

Around 11, we started to get ready for bed. That’s when I noticed things had gotten a bit worse. I called my Doctor and got the on-call Doc who reviewed everything and recommended the emergency room. We were both so exhausted that I almost cried through that long drive over to St Marks. 

When I told them my symptoms, they put me in a wheelchair and moved me into a room right away. That was worrisome. Then, they began the tests - a nice nurse named John and a very efficient Dr Stiles came in and out to check on us. First, I was wheeled to the ultrasound and your Daddy stayed behind in our little room. The ultrasound tech was friendly, but didn’t seem very happy while taking your first photos. I think you’re a little shy, dear one, because the pictures had a hard time capturing you. This test made me cramp more, sadly, and I was pretty miserable when the tech wheeled me back to the room.

They did a blood test next. John was exceedingly good at getting my blood (which is awesome, considering that rarely goes well for me!) And then they took the blood to be tested. After some time, Dr Stiles returned to let us know that the ultrasound revealed some fluid collection and my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) level was very low. He said that perhaps I was not as far along as they thought, but more likely, that the pregnancy was not going to stick around. He said he wasn’t hopeful, but ‘miracles happen all the time.’

At 2:00 am, after a previous night of only 5 hours sleep, this was not the news I needed to hear. However, after the sadness we experienced last night (and a RhoGam shot, which isn’t really a hopeful act on the part of the Doctors), I awoke this morning with a feeling that it would all be ok.

There are quite a few stories of women with low HCG levels who delivered healthy babies. And some study of subchorionic hematomas makes me feel a little better as that’s what your pictures looked like last night. Plus, there’s this: sometimes, ovulation is later in the cycle. This would mean that it is very possible that the ‘how far along’ number is wrong for us, and they’re looking for signs that aren’t going to be there.

Our hope is that I will go in to see the OB on Thursday and my HCG levels will have risen. That’s 72 hours, and HCG levels are supposed to double within that time period.

The one thing I can bank on, though, is this: you, my dear Tiny, are a fighter. You were conceived because two people adore each other so much, they couldn’t help but want to share that love. And you are related to the most stubborn people I know - your Nana can work a 16 hour day tiling a floor on an injured hip with a burned hand. And your Mommy can do two shows while working full time and earning a 3.6 GPA. And your Daddy can work two jobs, make his wife the happiest there is, and still manage to be in the top 15% of his law school class. Your Aunties and Uncles are all hard workers who remain chipper no matter the loss and face hardship head on. Your genetic line is hardy, and has survived the very worst. 

And my dearest little Tiny, we are not going to give up on you. We believe in you and we believe in your ability to make it through Mommy’s tricky little womb. We are eager to meet you, but more eager to keep you safe and sound and give you every possible chance to live up to the hardy genetics you’ve been given. 

While we believe in listening to experts and getting sound opinions from them - we also believe in listening to our gut. And right now, Mommy’s gut tells her that you’re going to be ok. That this is a bump - before the bump, as it were.

You may be Tiny, but our love for you is bigger than anything.

Good luck, dearest. We’ll see you soon.

Your,

Mommy and Daddy

#thebumpbeforethebump