I went to see a fertility specialist on Tuesday. It was a little bit nerve-wracking and altogether engaging. The OB I saw during Tiny's miscarriage recommended that I go see a specialist based on my numbers, my age, and the timing of everything.
I've been experiencing a very common phenomenon wherein I have a bunch of post-miscarriage, fleeting, and most-likely-imagined pregnancy symptoms. Daddy has been maintaining a stoic reaction to all of this, reminding us both that we need to be cautious about soaring through the roof over every little wave of nausea and backache. Many things cause early pregnancy symptoms that are not at all related to pregnancy (like the donuts Mommy craves all the time right now...)
So, when it came time for the fertility visit, I really hoped I would hear whether or not I was pregnant again without having to visit the OB. There are pros and cons to a soon-after pregnancy:
- Women who've just miscarried have issues with their uterine lining being thin. This can affect implantation and can affect the resulting pregnancy. (Though stories to the contrary abound - as with any other medical category, reproductive and fertility stories, both academic and no, circulate through all communities.)
- Waiting one cycle after a miscarriage can be a sign that the body is ready to conceive again.
- While not eager to risk another miscarriage, Mommy is emotionally hungry for a baby now that she's experienced a recent, though brief, pregnancy.
- Happiness does not depend on external circumstances and recovery from grief is not always dependent on filling the void left by a loss with another opportunity.
- Mommy is just plain tired - body, mind, emotions... it's exhausting to go through this amount of emotion and intense physical concentration in a short amount of time.
- Mommy and Daddy's support system is unbelievably strong and positive and we believe that bodes well for our chances. How can anyone contend with an army of good thoughts?
The fertility specialist was recommended by Dana (one of Mommy's smartest friends, who is also a doctor) and the clinic itself was recommended by Kim (one of Mommy's favorite theater friends.) The clinic is so nice and helpful. Mommy was introduced to all the Doctors on staff, just in case I ever have a question - I can contact anyone at the clinic. That's a good feeling. And then, dear Nurse Gia showed me to a room. Gia is one of my new favorite people - so funny and warm and engaging. She had me laughing through all the questions one has to answer in a visit like this.
Dr. Jessie Dorais is everything Dana said she would be and more. She's reaffirming without being condescending and willing to get emotional in the midst of the logic. We are very lucky to have her, dear Zuzu. During the visit, Dr. Dorais explained that they don't do blood pregnancy tests at that clinic and encouraged me to take a home pregnancy test over the weekend. After a quick trip over to the hospital to get blood drawn for a series of important tests, the appointment was done and the waiting started again.
The results of the test came in fast - we found out within hours that Mommy is immune to Rubella (hooray!), free of any interfering diseases, and the next day, we learned that Mommy's thyroid is right down the middle of normal range. This was great news.
The AMH test took a bit longer.
During the wait, many of our friends offered to help us worry, since Mommy is so so mentally exhausted. Your Aunties and other friends all pitched in to help Mommy and give her a break by offering to worry for an hour so Mommy then felt obligated to NOT worry. A good idea, right? No, a GREAT idea. I felt so relieved at getting to put the worry down for awhile and it was good practice. I have a feeling that worrying comes with parenthood and practicing the 'letting go' will be invaluable in the years ahead of us.
Just this morning, I got two very emotional pieces of information: first, I am not pregnant and second, my AMH level is low for a woman my age. I read this info with great disappointment. AMH is such a vital part of conceiving and represents the reserve of eggs I have left. As old as I am, it's disheartening to believe that my chances are dwindling. Also, though there are cons to an immediate pregnancy after a miscarriage, it is the time when we are most likely to conceive. Feelings of despair overwhelmed me.
As I was driving to work, I noticed a small and bright feeling growing in the car around me. I was crying a bit and thinking ahead to the work I'd have to do today while feeling so despairing, and noticing that a warm, comforting hope was surrounding me. As Daddy has said at least a hundred times in the last month "It will be alright." I realized that all this up and down feeling could be resolved for the time being - we're not pregnant and there are options. I just feel it in my gut, dear Zuzu - there is a reason for my longing to have a baby join our family. And I just feel so calm now - I am not only meant to be a mother, I will be a mother. I will continue to go toward my children with all the hope my uterus and I can muster. The feeling in the car - call it what you will - reaffirming temporary insanity? Something to hold onto? I was there, though, and I call it a message from those children. Thank you, dear Zuzu, for reaffirming something important: we can do difficult things for worthwhile endeavors.
Some googling also revealed other news about AMH levels. They are not the be-all, end-all results to focus on. And re-reading Dr. Dorais's message helped me see that the though my levels are low, they are within the low-normal range. Meaning, I am not in a small percentile here. I have chances and options still and my levels are higher than literally tens of thousands of other women who have conceived and carried successfully. Those are pretty good odds in our favor.
Zuzu, we have some work ahead of us. And I'm going to continue to trust that I'm moving in the direction toward you and a successful pregnancy. Your Daddy's humor and my dogged determination combined with the army of good thoughts and willing worriers? I think we've got something more than hope, there.
With great hope and persistence,
Your Mommy and Daddy
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